Archive for the ‘suicide’ Category

My musical journey as a Psychiatric patient

July 23, 2018

The end is nigh

September 10, 2009

I have been banned from the local psychiatric services because the psychiatrists say I refuse treatment. AND yet Dr Ballasurryia said this but has denied saying so. Dr Gama said that she said that only to stop me killing myself at Xmas but stopped short of telling me to move on . Although that is what I think he meant as he has changed his attitude to me now.

HOW CAN I REFUSE WHAT is never offered? I have letters which dispute their statements and will hopefully post that at the weekend because now I am going to get in my car and go to say goodbye to my son.

I can’t tell him that but at least I will have a nice memory of the only person I have that does not prejudge me.

Dr RB John you have won, you bastard, your prediction will come true. I wonder if the Queen knows what a corrupt man her representative in West Glamorgan is.

Auspices of Fair Comment

I trust my sister, Dr KE James will  be happy when I am dead. She said she had REASONS not to help me. If she was seriously ill then I think she would have told me BUT to say NO now stating her phrase “reasons” makes me think she is defending Dr RB John until the bitter end.

Preferring to have her brother commit suicide for something SHE COULD HAVE STOPPED in 1998

I AM GOING TO DIE SOON either by my own hand, as I fought suicide AGAIN last night,

or by a heart attack

because my GP has reduced the aspirin to one a day and ignored my request for a repeat for the Nitro-Lingual spray for my angina attacks. He didn’t even know I was on aspirin twice daily since my visit to the Out of Hours Doctor in June.

I have had 6 Angina/panic attacks in the past 2 months, 3 in the past fortnight.

He said I always went on about my loss and by inference then I SHOULD MOVE ON. But  he also said “I WILL ALWAYS BE A DENTIST” which IS the problem. I CANNOT close that part of my life. He forgot that if I was mentioning my distress it was BECASUE I NEED HELP to continue my hell of a life.

I assume from the reduction in my heart medication he hopes it will be soon from a heart attack.

I have sent him a letter expressing the reasons I wish to die, if I survive until the weekend I will post it  here.

what a fucking waste of my life, 60 years for fucking nothing and it is ALL back now just as it was in 1998

Suicidal thoughts YET AGAIN

July 7, 2009

I can’t even go to fucking Tescos without being asked about teeth as has just happened 20 minutes ago. An ex patient’s wife, who works in Tesco’s, asked me about her wisdom teeth.

Or do I tell the person to fuck off and leave me alone and loose another friend? Cos when I tell them what has happened and why I do not want to fkn talk about teeth they then say “Get over it, move or it’s only money”.

NO IT IS 40 years of my fkn life destroyed by an intentional lie.

Or do I take medication as Muthkkumar insists and then STILL experience the shit but this time I am like a fkn zombie? Like I was between 1998 and 2004 as the so called Mental Health Services reinforced every time I SAW THEM THAT I WAS A HIGH RISK SUICIDE.

Thanks to Dr RB John’s lies. Medical Opinion and Compliment Slip.

Or do I kill myself to get away from this hell?

I NEVER was suicidal in 1998 and these thoughts have only surfaced because of Dr G K

and then Dr Ballsurryia said I needed compensation

I say to Edwina Hart “Is the treatment I now receive from Castle Surgery the “correct level of care” that you hoped they would show to me.

And all because Dr RB John is a despicable man. Not even beating the crap outa him would help. I NEED ANSWERS and as Dr Balla says “I DESERVE COMPENSATION”.

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Dr RB John has another protector

July 7, 2009

Am I a Welsh NHS Dr David Kelly? It seems ALL in the NHS in Wales want me DEAD? Just because I tell the truth about Dr RB John AND all documented IN MY MEDICAL NOTES.

I have one real regret in my life and that was believing that a Doctor would NEVER lie. I can take no more. So I say that Dr RB John is a pathological liar: They act very defensively when you question their statements. They believe what they say is true, when everyone else knows it isn’t. They lie when it is very easy to tell the truth. They lie to get sympathy, to look better, to save their butt, etc. Is a legend in their own mind. They “construct” a reality around themselves. They don’t value the truth, especially if they don’t see it as hurting anyone. If you call them on a lie and they are backed into a corner, they will act very defensively and say ugly things (most likely but depends on personality), but they may eventually start to act like, “Well, what’s the difference? You’re making a big deal out of nothing!” (again, to refocus the conversation to your wrongdoing instead of theirs).

Not much has been established about pathological lying, except that it is the mental state of the liar and not the lie that is abnormal

One could also deduce that the NHS are also pathological liars from the above paragraph.

Guidance for good practice on the GMC web site.


I told Dr G yesterday as I left his surgery that I see no point in continuing to fight the suicidal thoughts I have as I assume that he has DONE NOTHING to help me as I have requested HELP at EVERY visit to him this year. Dr Gama also said that the treatment available from the Psychiatric Services in West Glamorgan DOES NOT INCUDE “Talking Therapies” as medication is the ONLY treatment available.  AND according to Dr Muthakkumar medication WITHOUT a diagnosis.

BUT he now tells me to continue with the Nitro Lingual spray having told me a week previously to stop it. He tried to show his caring professional attitude by telling me how to use it seemingly forgetting that he categorically told me to STOP using it at our last meeting

My cholesterol however was 3.9.

When I saw Dr G K in April last year 2008 about a suggested misdiagnosis of my heart condition SHE sent me to the psychiatrist

and NOW when I threaten to commit suicide AGAIN, Dr G now ONLY reassures me of my heart condition.

FOR FUCKS SAKE LISTEN TO ME. I fucking know the condition of my coronary vessels having read and re-read the letters from the Cardiologists and having gone through the HELL of the last 18 months.


Seems a corrupt and evil man Dr RB John is allowed to practice.


He has intentionally deceived the very people that bestowed on him the post of High Sheriff of West Glamorgan.

He intentionally lied in order to destroy MY life as a NHS Dentist.

He intentionally REFUSED to respond in a professional and true manner in the NHS Complaint by corruptly using his post of Medical Director of the very Local Health Board that was investigating MY complaint against him

AND YET he is now on the All Wales Primary Care Quality & Information Service Advisory Group giving HIS advice on primary care in the treatment of patients for ALL OF WALES.

WHAT THE FUCK does HE know?

Dr Ronald Bryn John is as bad, in a different way, to Dr Harold Shipman. Written evidence is available and also IS PRESENT IN MY MEDICAL NOTES in documents SIGNED by him to prove so.

Yet he is described as exemplary and I am described as paranoid, with delusions of persecution and dislocation from reality and yet I cannot get tteatment from the Psychiatric Services as they ALL TELL me to MOVE ON.


So am I a Welsh NHS Dr David Kelly?


So this is what it would be like

August 24, 2008

The brain is a wonderful thing as it refuses to let go of some memories.

On Friday I kept having the image of Dr A flash into my mind accompanied by the tingling of my left little finger AND I wasn’t sitting at the time. Then I saw my brother in law and had no opportunity to avoid that ****. Seeing him rekindled ALL the bad memories of him and my damned sister.

When I got home there was a “friendship” note from a neighbour and THAT, for some reason, REALLY annoyed me. SO as I cut my lawns my brain went into overdrive  with all the what ifs and whys. It takes 90 minutes to do the garden so by the time I had finished I was in a really strange mood. Hadn’t been that low before.

Then <suicide> flashed into my brain and I went over the last appointment with the Mental Health people and the thought that I CANNOT now get any decent medical treatment. My left arm was now aching and I was breathless. SO to try to calm down I bought some cigarettes. Not a good idea but at least they seemed to help, with the coughing and stuff. The arm sensations made me think of Dr G’s last visit and how the sensations in my left arm were now SO strong.

Maybe I should commit suicide. WOW. Well the medical profession WOULD like me outa the way. Then I thought of my son and how he would react. Should I tell him? Should I ring the Samaritans?

I cried, I shouted but nothing I did would stop these thoughts.