Is this a suicide note??

I find it increasingly difficult to live each day now and have again contacted my current GP’s surgery in  Neath with regard to the supposed referral to the Psychiatric services in February/ March 2010 but have received no reply apart from a standard letter to make an appointment to see the GP. I responded, in writing, saying that I would find it far too traumatic to book an appointment to discuss the reasons I wish to die only to be told that the Psychiatric services refuse to offer me “help”. I know this to be the case following the emergency visits to the Crisis Team in Nov 2009 and to Dr Ballasurryia in December 2008. I know also that both said that I indeed had just cause to feel as I do. I know also that Dr Ballasurryia has denied vehemently saying what she said by her refusal to see me again and subsequent banning from the Psychiatric Services. I only mention the reason for the subsequent ban also imposed by Dr Muthakkumar following his wish to medicate without a diagnosis.

    The reason I now find it exceedingly difficult to wish to continue my pathetic life is the comment in August last year, from Dr RB John‘s senior partner for 20+ years that she, my sister Dr KE James, has intentionally, knowingly and corruptly denied me justice for 12 years. Coupled with the recent sexual harassment incident or bullying, I can describe it no other way, this has made daily life intolerable and I have felt increasing “cardiac” symptoms of breathlessness, cough, slight pain in the chest and numbness in my left arm. These sensations caused an awful night on Saturday which lead me to the Out of Hours Service in Neath Port Talbot Hospital on Sunday morning. 

    I had a thorough examination, BP 118/88, heart beating regularly, no fluid on the lungs and a strong regular pulse in the right arm. The Doctor diagnosed an acute angina attack, saying it was unlikely I had had a heart attack, giving reasons I understood, and prescribed me Amyl Nitrate spray. I mentioned that I had had similar symptoms a year previously and again the OOH doctor had prescribed me similar BUT my then GP, Dr F Gama, denied me a repeat prescription saying that, without an examination, that it was not necessary but amazingly then gave me a prescription for Diclofenac in case my gout symptoms returned. I had had ONE incident of Gout many years ago, gave up alcohol immediately and the symptoms have NEVER returned. The OOH doctor shook his head and advised me to see my GP about my cough.

    I saw her yesterday and was told the cough was due to Acid Reflux and now have antacid tablets, a less common side effect being depression which shows, to me, that she put no thought into her prescribing as I then asked about the referral to the Psychiatric services and was told that they had said that they were unable to offer me treatment but would not put it down in writing, interestingly. In effect NHS personnel have said that whilst I have just reasons for my wish to end my life they will do nothing, despite having the means to end my distress. In effect because both Dr Ballasurryia and the Crisis team did not report a “true and accurate” account of the crisis appointments I am condemned.

    I still have horrific thoughts of ending my life and wonder what would happen when/if I say stand on the Briton Ferry Bridge threatening to jump and am “rescued”. What will the NHS say or do having denied me resolution twice? I of course ignore Dr RB John’s response and the response of the NHS “Complaint Service”. It is as if the NHS is calling my bluff, they want me to die.

    The only bright points in the week are the almost daily shouts of encouragement from my few local “fans” following my TV appearance but then I would not have even contemplated auditioning for that awful show if Dr RB John et al had been honest and truthful in the last 12 years.

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3 Responses to “Is this a suicide note??”

  1. Mandy Says:

    Is the NHS calling your bluff? I wouldn’t credit the organisation, en masse, with that much savvy and direction.

    More a case of it doesn’t necessarily give a stuff either way…and if people do kill themselves it is a fact of life that they think has no relation to treatment or care (more so lack of appropriateness of either)..but it does hate having to put itself out for people.

    Gross negligence (again due to apathy) plays biggest part in people either killing themselves, or dying whilst on more general wards and before people start defending the glory that is Britain’s modern NHS, they should have a good look round Luton and Dunstable Hospital..sure there are many other general hospitals where the most popular (as in played the most…not actually liked the most) game is ‘Spot The Nurse’. Another game becoming more frequently played on the ward is ‘Guess who your new consultant will be, after the weekend?’ (because the one you have now is fekking off out of here)

    I do still think mental illness is the Cinderella but across the board there are ugly sisters breeding C-Diff, MRSA and heaven knows what is coming next ….and they really don’t give a stuff.

    The best thing you can do is defy this modern trend of blaming patients whilst directly or indirectly playing a role in their deaths. Carry on living and telling them the home truths they loathe so much :>)

  2. Mental Disorders 101 Says:

    Is this a suicide note??…

    I found your entry interesting do I’ve added a Trackback to it on my weblog :)…

  3. william wallace Says:

    As you are in sore need of a bit of humor…

    The was a line in the longest film of its time
    “Gone With The Wind” if Ihave the title right.
    Where the main actress said “Nothing means
    anything to me but you / you are my hearts
    desire my reason for living / if you leave me
    now the stars shall fall from the sky the sun
    will no longer shine. All life as mine shall die.

    The leading male actor walking out of the door
    looked at the leading actress where he replied

    As he walked away the leading actress in an
    high menacing frightning scream cried “YOU

    That film about sums up ones relationship with
    NHS if one well and in good health /the doctors
    nurses / psychiatrists/ therapists / are friendly.
    Yet, if your ill they just don’t want to know you.

    A way to deal with them /write them / saying
    I KNOW YOU DON’T GIVE A DAMB thus this is
    to advise you in future Iwill deal with my own
    problems. I intend being independent of mind
    and overcome all problems in coming be they
    depression / anxiety /panic attacks / ect ect I
    shall overcome all by my own /inner strength.


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