I want to die

……started crying and then, for two hours, sat on the edge of the bed and rocked back and forth, sobbing like a baby. …..was in utter despair – …… mind and body totally out of control – …….. nothing seemed to make it better. ………felt worthless. …….would have done anything to dig himself out of the dark hole he was in ………Suffering nightmares, unable to concentrate and racked by anxiety,  he thought he was losing his mind. …… hours earlier,  come within a hair’s breath of taking his own life…. the only thing keeping me going has been my absolute belief that I am not  to blame. It’s an illness and ………, as much as anyone else, would love to just ‘snap out of it’. But the Black Dog of depression has had him in its vice-like grip…….. Yet much as I may have wanted to yell ‘You are useless’, what good would it have done?  I WAS TOLD TO MOVE ON and cannot receive treatment.


I have been described BY THE NHS as being paranoid yet I can receive no further treatment. I am described as a MENTAL PATIENT as reward for 23 years service as a NHS Dentist Dr RB John’s reward for corruption, deceit and lies is far greater

Children whose fathers have mental health disorders are likely to have psychiatric or behavioural disorders themselves, researchers warn and yet I can receive NO treatment.


Three Labour MPs are said to be terrified that the release of their expenses claims will expose them as adulterers and financial cheats.

The three unnamed backbenchers are said to have been placed on ‘suicide watch’ by Labour whips, who fear they might break down when the details of their excesses come out. A Commons source told the Mail: ‘The whips have three Labour MPs on suicide watch. That’s how serious this scandal is. The whips believe they might kill themselves. That’s how serious this scandal is. The whips believe they might kill themselves.’  yet I can receive NO treatment


Even Miriam Stoppard writes about stress and depression and she says “If you think your physical or mental health has been affected by work stress, see your doctor.” www.mad-dentist.co.uk  I did and look what happened. AND YET  I can receive NO treatment


Keep losing your temper? Blame it on the angry gene. YET I am angry because I want to know why Dr RB John is exemplary and yet he refuses to explain these documents, saying he cannot remember.

Researcher Martin Reuter, a ‘TC’, said: ” I am not an angry person but I can get angry if it is important.” MY ANGER IS BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW THE REASONS Dr RB John did as he did. My anger IS IMPORTANT. AND YET  I can receive NO treatment


Is this why Dr Gwen Kahan didn’t listen to me? Women really listen only to gossip and other people’s conservation, study reveals.Women are also more likely to switch off when listening to their work colleagues. Speaking face to face is the best form of communication unless the Doctor refuses to listen, as Dr Gwen Kahan did.


We do need to get GPs asking that question so if there are early signs of any type of mental illness, they can then be fed in to not just the NHS system, but also the network of support including the mental health pilots that we’ve launched last year, so that people can get the help that they require.” He added: “We have a debt of gratitude to these veterans and I’m passionate about making sure that they get the support that they need.” Well if the brave men and women in our Armed Forces cannot get treatment it goes someway to explain why I cannot get treatment or even thanks for being a NHS Dentist for 23 years.



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2 Responses to “I want to die”

  1. themaddentist Says:

    Cheers Mandy,
    I appreciate your comments. The hardest thing I have to live with is the FACT I lost everything in my life because of a LIE.
    AND because of the high levels of stress forced on me by the Welsh NHS, as I strove to get answers, I now have limited use of BOTH HANDS and have had to give up my music.

    It is the FACT that Dr John LIED and my sister covered up for him that really hurts, my life has been a waste of time, a total waste of time.

  2. Mandy Says:

    Despair is a b’stard. Am most likely to sound even more crass as I write but I want to write to you. I want to do something more useful than what has been done before for you..which seems to equate to fekk all.

    People telling you to move on..is that the new pc term for “Pulling one’s socks up”?

    I do think that there can be a time to ‘let go’ but people need support..other than dictate (off pat phrases and ruddy leaflets)..and also when wrongs have been done to them…as with you…is difficult to get any sense of fairness (when there isn’t much to be had).

    I am trying. I mean trying rather than actually having achieved it…to focus myself more on what can be done rather than losing myself in the campaign for fairness for all. Is a valiant campaign but people cannot do it all by themselves.

    Any real change comes from a collective and I am not sure there is one these days. Apart from the collective swines that dominate the power houses. I do think individuals can make differences by challenging and doing what they can but not on large scales..for example saving the NHS, for me is an inconcievable task. Undoing all the damage done by puffing up the top layers and the ever spinning web of bureaucracy….Is there any political party with the will and stamina to undo that? I wish but doubt.

    Some things you can lament and/or be really really twatted off about but as an individual you cannot change only pass comment on.

    am trying to be helpful…but sense I am doing some lame sermon on the mount (vesuvius just before it errupts) Ha!

    I would like you to be able to let go….even if only for a while. I would like to let go too and am taking action that I hope will allow me that right. Is all possibly, maybes but worth at try.

    Although I have no right to stop you killing yourself and it isn’t for me to play God with anyone’s life, I would like you to stay around blogland (and get some quality life outside it). You are as important/relevant as anyone else and, to me, damn poignant as well as someone I relate to.

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