MAY the 4th BE WITH YOU!

Someone sent me an early email for 4th May 2009 containing this gem:

A police officer in Scotland has confessed to following the Jedi faith beloved of Star Wars film fans, respected policing analysis group Jane’s reported on Thursday.

ending with:

I WAS ONE OF THOSE 390,000 PEOPLE!! (Surely you were too??!)

and this is what I wrote:

NO I was not.

In 2001 I was on serious medication STILL being told I was a high risk suicide, STILL getting fkn “treatment” for being so, NO ONE WAS FUCKING LISTENING TO ME. I HAD NO CLUE of what had happened in 1998 and was trying to pluck the courage up to see my notes and even change a fkn doctor.

My financial destruction was complete and the “little bits” almost stopped, AND I had only  3 CCJ’s left to clear and the only serious daily crap was the fkn CSA as the deductions of earnings order placed on me in 1999 was ending in June 2002. NO FUCKER WOULD HELP ME AT ALL. I had by now sold 99% of anything of value from this house just to survive. By 2003 I was on Income Support so’s I could stay in this house to loose it would mean I was TOTALLY DESTROYED by that day, before that I struggled not to have an overdraft..

SO Dr John had me EXACTLY where he wanted me and was TOTALLY IGNORING ME, my sister was refusing to help me and when I did see Tom I thought that I should let him play with his 2 cousins of similar age so I saw sister for Sunday lunches, where sister talked INCESSANTLY about her fkn brilliant life and yet when I tried to ask for help she ignored me. I HAD NO IDEA THEN of the significance of her comment or WHAT THE HELL had just happened. I was on drugs to “make me happy” which seriously interfered with my thoughts and my reaction to everyday occurrences. I got 2 speeding tickets and was about to start the “blowing up of cars” sequence. I destroyed 4 cars in two years due to the way I drove them,

the BDA were ignoring my pleas for help, Solicitors were loosing the details of my complaint, any so called medical professional was calling me ONLY A MENTAL PATIENT and going “there there”, the CSA were at my fkn throat and my wife was sometime refusing access to Tom. I was struggling financially, drinking heavily ANYTHING to stay alive and get answers. AS I said I was on anti psychotic medication as well and trying desperately to cold turkey, it took me 2 more years to do so eventually. A friend Ty was close but died of a heart attack in early 2003 and I had him come to me in a dream and say that I had to get answers. true. AND so started the farce of the complaint.

I had been TRYING to start the complaint since 1999 BUT was refused any help from the Mental Health Services in Neath. This was about the time I stopped taking ALL the “Mood enhancers” one day, threw them ALL away and turkeyed alone in the house with the cats alone for company. To start the complaint with the NHS as the 5 year period would soon be over.

The CAB got me an advocate. AT the meeting he was almost dressed like the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz, unshaven as well, and he started, notes in hand with, “HULLO MR JONES.” MR JONES!! HE apologised, looked at his notes and said it didn’t matter or similar. My fkn advocate didn’t even CARE what my name was.Couldn’t get help so I had to do it alone.

I wrote MANY SONGS from 1999. The strangeness of PRIORY was one result, conflicting rhythms 3/4 over 4/4 and other musical oddities. THANK GOD I spent the money for food on my computer and studio. I had few visitors except I did see Tom whenever I could in my now explosive frame of body and I didnt drink when I saw him. I hardly went out for years, still don’t. Only with Tom.

I now am thinking of THAT fkn 3-6 month period also and am fighting the thought of going out now to drink and get wrecked. TO be truthful I have been fighting those thoughts for a year or so now but have only slipped into drinking a little bit and only with Tom. I am too sacred of my head to drink alone feeling as I do now. AND all the proof sitting in that red box in the corner of this room. I daren’t move it in case some falls out and I am “forced” to read it. Know what I mean???

Catherine was looking after the cats for me and was calling round every w/e to see how I was and also being nice to me … the ONLY FKN PERSON that was and the reason I said YES to her in October and why her attitude now has destroyed me SOOO FKN MUCH

SO no I was NEVER a fkn JEDI

I actually do not like that film and am proud to say that I actually walked out of the 1st film as it fkn irritated the CRAP out of me.

I walked out and left the girlfriend to watch it by herself, a big gang had gone to watch it and, as a rich dentist, I was their sugar-free daddy. Not surprisingly she was quite worked up when she and her mates, met me in the pub later but her explanation re mate-ship and her feelings for me led to her moving in with me within a few months. SO THAT FILM, I have just worked out ALSO was one of the causes of the reason I saw Dr RB John in the 1st place. Cos the girl friend became the wife and so on. I  have NEVER and will NEVER watch that pile of junk. ‘specially now I worked that out, never thought of it before.

I just like the date and now it reminds me of a period of time I had forgotten

It was a phrase like ” yesbutnobut” CAN’T STAND Little Britain but a good catchphrase to use as a deflective throw away remark, you know loosing a friendly argument so throw that phrase in with associated stupid actions. That then destroys the chain of thought of the opponent and in you go for the kill.

as I was about to write “HEHE!!!” suddenly I calmed down, I was sort of crying writing up to the last paragraph as I started remembering the night in Leicester Square when me and the soon to be missus went to see the Film.

AND Tom just rang to say the Concert was BRILLIANT, still a LOT of holes in the pub his mate is buying but getting more information, and he has applied for a managers post in a club (?)locally . SO now am feeling much happier as he sounded happier too.

So I have calmed down since reading your email. LLOL Initially I wanted to come round and thump you but now I released THOSE demons,

jeez how many more fuckin memories do I have to exorcise?? AND that was a lickle memory I had forgotten but is NOW back in the front of my brain for a while.

fuck that was a hard 6 hours

That episode lasted 6 hours at its extreme, but had been building up since I saw  my old friend in Tescos on the 29th April . SO That is FIVE days of HELL and I am one step closer to death.

How can I move on like everyone tells me when three unrelated incidences together nearly destroyed me?

Who started ALL this eh, Dr RB John???

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2 Responses to “HAPPY STAR WARS DAY”

  1. nikki jenkins Says:

    What you were never a fckn JEDI?! How silly of you…had you been a JEDI, I feel you would never of been treated like shit by the NHS. Get you JEDI outfit on and see if it helps. I’ll join you if I see it working for you!

    Sorry to hear of the loss of your friend.

    Keep your chin up and know you are in my thoughts dear man. BIG hugs.

  2. How I Lost Thirty Póunds in Only a Month Says:

    Hi, good post. I have been wondering about this topic,so thanks for sharing. I will probably be coming back to your blog. Keep up great writing

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