That’s how I think when I am down.

The reason today I do not feel so bloody awful is this from Chunks of Reality. Put into words in a way that I could not do.

         ” Am I the only person who thinks about suicide on a daily basis? I can be walking down the street and something happen and my mind whispers, “I want to kill myself”. I think about death a lot and if it weren’t for my daughter I’m sure my life would have ended ages ago.
          Is there some neuroprocessor in my brain that is fixated on death? I don’t consciously think of death. I don’t dream of death. My waking mind does though for no apparent reason and I’m frankly tired of it.
          I’ve realized that these fantasies of death and suicide occur because I just want the pain to stop. That’s all it boils down to. I just want it to end.
             I can’t imagine being like this for the next 50 years or more. I say “or more” because my paternal great-grandmother died one month prior to her 111 birthday. Surely, I can’t imagine living that long like this.
             Do you think about death or suicide much or do I represent the minority in this?”

I just don’t want to hurt anymore.

============

I have had my last post as a draft for weeks or months adding to it, taking bits away. Always wanting to post it but too scared to. BUT THE CATALYST FOR MY LAST POST WAS THIS:  

On Monday 1st December I went to my GP’s surgery and saw yet another doctor and I wrote this letter after the appointment and sent it to NABATO doctor:

…………………..

” On Monday night I had an episode where my heart beat rapidly causing my left ring and little fingers to go tingly; I became breathless and felt incredibly tired suddenly. I managed to go to bed, it was 21.00, and for the short while before I went to sleep I could feel my “heart beat” in my neck and ear. I woke at 03.00, in tears, and at 0830 I made an appointment to see Dr L*****.

I had a similar episode to Monday night some while back and had an emergency ECG where I was reassured that I had NOT had a heart attack. So on Tuesday I made a regular appointment for reassurance following the new episode on Monday. My BP was taken, 150/80, and I asked again about whether the lack of pulses in both arms was serious and following a short explanation from Dr L***** she said “You don’t understand”. Which is EXACTLY what I mean when I ask questions as I DO NOT understand what is going on with my health, and hence the reason why I keep asking. ……….. 

However again last night (Tues 2nd December) I had EXACTLY the same sensations of heart racing, left arm tingling and feeling extremely exhausted but again managed to get to bed. I woke at 05.30 feeling unrested. However this time I will NOT attend the surgery for fear of being told again that I do not understand, being sent to Tonna again or just being told I have to accept my lack of pulses, the reason for which I still do not understand.

……………….

There is more in the letter but I quoted from it as an example of the “treatment” I receive from my current surgery as I ask about my heart and get sent to the Local Mental Health Unit as an ungrateful patient and then I have a “heart incident” and am told “I DO NOT UNDERSTAND” when I ask a question.

Which of course is the reason I asked in the first place because I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

NHS Constitution.

=================

The Health Minister has written to my surgery asking them to ensure that I have the correct level of support for my suicidal ideation.

SO Do I make an appointment to see NABATO Doctor on Monday considering they have not contacted me?

I have to assume that someone has read the letter and that it is not considered important enough to contact me, considering the time delay.

If I do attend AND am referred to the Local Mental Health Unit it would be the 5th or 6th time I would have been offered treatment ( IF of course I am offered some treatment ) WHEN, apart from the shambles in 1998 which TOTALLY destroyed my life AND STILL WITHOUT AN EXPLANATION.

Each time the Mental Health Teams said “I have no discernible mental health componentorI need resolution to the proceedings in 1998, which DID NOT follow standard NHS practice. FOR example why was I sent to a PRIVATE Psychiatric Unit and who paid for my stay?” or “I am depressed, but need resolution.” Letters saying the above are in my medical notes.

So would they this time address the REAL problem I have AND THE REASON I WISH TO DIE?

THE CONSTANT REMINDERS THAT I USED TO BE A DENTIST. www.mad-dentist.co.uk and STILL NO ANSWERS and ALL because of Dr Dai Sheepman.

I WANT TO KNOW WHY 23 YEARS OF MY LIFE WAS DESTROYED BY A CATASTROPHIC MISDIAGNOSIS, Yet in the Complaint I was told  “I DO NOT HAVE A DIAGNOSIS” of any illness sufficient to warrant my hospitalisation.

What does the Compliment slip indicate??

WHAT THE FUCK WENT ON in 1998?? and what was the reason I was NOT TOLD anything?

AND STILL 10 years on I do not know.

==================

SO Dr L***** was correct. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

SO PLEASE WILL SOMEONE EXPLAIN IT TO ME in words I CAN understand. In order for me to close my life as a NHS Dentist, which is the PRIMARY complaint.

BY close I do not mean I have to kill myself. As Chunks of Reality said so succinctly:

I’ve realized that these fantasies of death and suicide occur because I just want the pain to stop. That’s all it boils down to. I just want it to end. 

AND  I just don’t want to hurt anymore.

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