Reasons to commit suicide: Part 3

I saw an ex patient in town today and she asked how I was, I said OK, she then queried that so I told her about Dr K sending me to the shrink ‘cos I had asked about my heart. This patient then said isn’t it time you moved on. So I did , I walked away without saying anything, as she obviously hadn’t listened.

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I bumped into a guitarist mate I hadn’t seen for years and he asked if I was playing, so I explained the problems with my left hand, no pulse and no BP for the last 2-3 years. He then said “oh but you play piano so why not join a band”. I explained about my right thumb and the lack of pulse in my right arm . He said don’t be dull you have to have a pulse. So I invited him to find one. He said “oh for f*cks sake” and left.

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I got in contact with Paul Goddard yesterday who was at University with me and listened to 30 second snippets of his music.

Last night I dreamt that I was at work as a Dentist when I got a telephone call to say that there had been a mistake in 1975 and I actually was not qualified and had to take the BDS examination the next day in Lincoln Inn fields London. I had to pass the exam then or I would not be able to practice. When I got to the exam centre I could not find the entrance and I woke up crying. It was 3.30 am and I could not get back to sleep even with the radio on to distract my mind which by now was racing.

But I worked out that after 23 years of dentistry all I have is a £68,000 mortgage to cover the debt on the sale of my practice in 1998. Nearly £3000 a year lost. £10 a day for almost every day I worked.

All because that twat of a doctor Dr A could not be bothered to tell me f*ck all about my impending retirement.

And then…..What would you think when you received by post the medical opinion with the attached compliment slip? a) it was not important that he tell me to my face I was to be retired and therefore my retirement was not imminent. And b) The compliment slip said that I was not ill and therefore he was talking crap. It also showed that he had not bothered to listen to me but as my sister said later “He meant well” I.e. she knew what he had attempted to do but preferred to back her colleague rather than her family.

Surely to tell someone that he was to be retired urgently would be best said face to face to make certain I understood what was going on and allow me time to close my practice. I would assume that retirement proceedings were under way at that time as I was retired on 11th June 1998, one week after the date of his medical opinion. But then my retirement could not even be arranged properly as my practice was kept open despite many promises that “All would be done to help me”

Also I received this letter from my soon to be ex-wife, the adulterous party of the divorce, at the same time.

I got up at 5.30 a.m.

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last night was the second night in a row that I have had nightmares and woken up crying. Woken up with suicide on my mind.

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4 Responses to “Reasons to commit suicide: Part 3”

  1. themaddentist Says:

    but often, it appears, they “know” before we talk How true and then they only listen to what they want to hear.
    Thanks for the kind words Calum

  2. CalumCarr Says:

    Oh Alyn!

    What a shitty mess!

    Not listening is one thing that really gets to me. The only way clinicians can learn about us is to listen but often, it appears, they “know” before we talk and so our words sail past them to our detriment.

    When we learn that “they” are not listening we feel utter hopelessness and helplessness. What more can we do if “they” won’t listen? If “they” won’t listen then “they” certainly won’t read a letter properly.

    The cycle of trying to convince followed by rejection is a cycle downwards.

    However badly you are/ feel you have done very well, in the circumstances, to be still talking to us.

    Don’t stop talking to us, Alyn.

    Thinking of you.

  3. themaddentist Says:

    doing you a favour : Spot on Deb, cos that is EXACTLY what I think.

    All I wanted was &^$$£ treatment to get well and back to work! Spot on Deb, cos that is EXACTLY what I thought.

    you are so right, support was probably what we all needed , thats all maybe?

  4. Deb Acle Says:

    Nightmares are horrid – they can leave you feeling like *^$%^& for several days.

    Reading that letter and the comp slip, I wonder if Dr A thought he was doing you a favour by retiring you? I have a similar experience: after brain attack GP came to see me and suggested early retirement. Even in very cognitively deficient state I was very surprised. All I wanted was &^$$£ treatment to get well and back to work!

    Sounds like that’s exactly what you needed, some med practitioner to REALLY listen and support you through the breakdown (?) so that you could get back to work asap. (Dr A saw you ‘about every 6 weeks’?! That’s support??!)

    This seems to be far beyond the imagination of some doctors and certainly beyond the NHS.

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