So this is what it would be like

The brain is a wonderful thing as it refuses to let go of some memories.

On Friday I kept having the image of Dr A flash into my mind accompanied by the tingling of my left little finger AND I wasn’t sitting at the time. Then I saw my brother in law and had no opportunity to avoid that ****. Seeing him rekindled ALL the bad memories of him and my damned sister.

When I got home there was a “friendship” note from a neighbour and THAT, for some reason, REALLY annoyed me. SO as I cut my lawns my brain went into overdrive  with all the what ifs and whys. It takes 90 minutes to do the garden so by the time I had finished I was in a really strange mood. Hadn’t been that low before.

Then <suicide> flashed into my brain and I went over the last appointment with the Mental Health people and the thought that I CANNOT now get any decent medical treatment. My left arm was now aching and I was breathless. SO to try to calm down I bought some cigarettes. Not a good idea but at least they seemed to help, with the coughing and stuff. The arm sensations made me think of Dr G’s last visit and how the sensations in my left arm were now SO strong.

Maybe I should commit suicide. WOW. Well the medical profession WOULD like me outa the way. Then I thought of my son and how he would react. Should I tell him? Should I ring the Samaritans?

I cried, I shouted but nothing I did would stop these thoughts.


So I sat at my computer and started to look through all the songs I had written with the intention of recording one. I fired up Cubase 1.06 and the Line 6 KB37, plugged in my 12 string and tried to play. Then knocked over my can of coke. SHIT! OH WHY? I wiped up the mess and soon noticed my mouse was behaving badly, just wandering all over the place and NO left click. It was NO where near the spill, at the time. <alt del> would not work to crash the ‘puter so crashed it from the mains and bloody XP froze and would not start even with the rescue disk. AARGH just what I needed So through hysterical tears I tried to get it restarted. Dr A KEPT returning to the front of my brain.. The cats were yelling for more food. I was at my lowest . Words cannot describe my thoughts as I imagined ways of killing myself, which I fought in my mind. Never been here before even when I was REALLY low as I tried to get answers in the last 10 tears

THEN after about an hour of trying to get the  f**king computer to work I felt a tap on my shoulder… but I was alone…… I ignored it….it happened again…change the mouse flashed into my brain…so turned the house upside down looking for one….crying…shouting. Eventually sat at my workstation and there was my spare mouse, that I knew I had, in front of me. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME How could I have missed it???? I plugged it in, the computer started after a disk check and it is now behaving normally <touch wood>

Almost instantly I felt that my Dad was with me, he was a spirituallist and died in 1986, the house went warm………and I felt the horrors of the last 3-4 hours just lift. I felt he said CALM DOWN and had a feeling that the computer disaster was “intentional” to “bring me round” to calm me down….. to show me suicide has never been an option and not to give up…. I missed my Dad..I miss my mum…. I miss a family…why has this happened to me???WHY???

I describe my feelings like the bounces of a tennis ball….it hits the floor and bounces up but each time it bounces less… the floor is hell but each bounce is less…….. but I will NOT give up but am glad this has ended………….just wait for the next time with trepidation  and wonder if I can be strong enough to see this crap through.

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2 Responses to “So this is what it would be like”

  1. themaddentist Says:

    Cheers Deb

  2. Deb Acle Says:

    Awww, Alyn, sorry to read about your desperation…

    They’ve well and truly programmed you, haven’t they? I’m sure you know my thoughts on this strategy…it’s out of the same stable as ‘NHS jolies mental health patients along instead of giving them diagnoses and treatment’ [Link somewhere on your blog or mine].

    When that doesn’t work, they plant the ‘Manchurian suicide candidate’ programme.

    I sound paranoid?! Nope, I’m not. Been assessed as perfectly logical and nothing wrong with me. And that’s the problem. I can see through the mindwarping! BTW, I do think that this refusal to treat appropriately is all a result of NHS managers’ fiddling the books. I feel that most doctors are still trying to run a health service, even if the managers aren’t.

    Oh yes, and this IS important. The Samaritans have a non-interventionist policy. That is, if you are actually in the act of taking your own life, they will HELP you by staying on the phone until you lose consciousness.

    They will do nothing else. No talking you out of it. No emotional support. No calling ambulances.

    What does this REALLY tell us about this parasitical organisation?

    At best it’s just another bunch of do-gooders polishing their halos.

    Be strong, Alyn. You’re not a nutter. You’re quite sane. You’ve been mind-warped by the system, that’s all. WHY?

    – simply because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time….you just happened to get ‘care’ from medics who are incompetent. Horrendous though that is, that’s the most rational explanation. And it’s really hard to accept, I know.

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