A document I have found dated 09/10/05 never sent

Theseare  my thoughts that I put down into words 09/10/05

 

SO I AM A PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC with DELUSIONS am I, well that is sorta what they said.

 

On drugs I dont/cant complain

Off drugs I complain like hell

 

Two completely different personalities even without the mega temper and cry-ie variations. Instantly swappable now as well but getting worse BECAUSE it’s been now seven f<deleted> years.

So Schizophrenic?? Maybe? By implied insinuation.

 

Hmm

So why do they ALL want me on medication???

HMM

 

I had a complete and sudden life change and away from home you have no triggers so life ok-ish with the promises‘n drugs’n stuff

At home all the triggers re-appeared and re-surfaced with a vengeance and all with new mothers (Problems if ignored don’t go away they get worse, oh yes, and procreate NEW ones). The drugs don’t work when the triggers are there BUT alcohol AND drugs….ah ha a different matter. So I drank heavily … ran outa money … became a recluse.

 

I keep asking, somehow, someone for help. Alone, ignored and in deep, no light ‘cos there was no tunnel to be at the end of.

 

So now the start of being told (by implication) I’m a PARANOID “SCHIZOPHRENIC” with DELUSIONS. (Well they didn’t listen to what I want to know and there are more of them to say I’m wrong if I did ask the questions that may tell the truth. Please look to responses to my questions, if noted of course, in Hospital Psychiatrist notes.)

 

So I become Paranoid because I think they don’t listen, which of course they didn’t/don’t/ won’t???.

 

Sooooo I concentrate on music and become, if I may say it, sh*t hot. I could become a mega star. I’ve written HUNDREDS of songs and recorded them ………….. Move over Sir Paul, here’s Al

 

Da DAAH

 

BUT now I can’t sing like I used to because of my lung and my, dare I say it, both my supposed/alleged Paranoia and Schizophrenia

So I’m now a bit disillusioned…I was deluded, maybe a delusion??

 

AAH HAH

 

A Paranoid schizophrenic with delusions.

 

QED

That is now.

 

ZAP!

You are back in 1998 July sometime, Place my house, time stopped

 

bring-bring/flaa-appy clunk/ knock knock.

The phone, the Post, a Visitor.

listen/read/listen

<silence><silence>

talk

ACTION

wait <whistle>

SORTED!!

 

back to work/retired

haircut/ you must be joking.

 

 

ZAP!

you are here 19.00 hrs Sunday, October 09, 2005

 

.

I am either sitting at my computer typing this note to try and stop me thinking of what was, what should have been and what can never be.

 

Or in The Windsor Club, Windsor Road, Neath either by the bar pint in hand, wanting to be in a band, my lickle daydream. OR on stage with my Heritage Les Paul in hand singing MYsongs to MY backing tracks wanting a pint. People screaming with joy or pain. Oral or Aural.

 

 

Which ever so neatly brings me back to PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIA with DELUSIONS.

 

I’m paranoid ‘cos thats basically what they say I have with my persecution complex (persecution???????????????UNpersecution I would LOVE some one to take notice of me.)

 

Schizophrenic because of the two me’s.

In fact 3 me’s. Me as a Dentist, Me as ME and me as me now.

 

Delusions. I was/am a Dentist or. should be, or I should be a retired and happy Dentist, or even a 56 year old Rock Star.

(In time to a French waltz, in 3 time.  Viennese = oomp pah pah, French = oomp pah <silence>)

 

Teeth  Music  <silence>

Oopm     pah            <silence>

OR

Me as a Dentist, M as ME   and me as me now

                  Oomp                         pah                                  <silence>

 

Three similar sounding words.

Oral                    Aural                  All-hell

 

I have had enough.

    

My Choices are stark

A: I take Prescription-only medicines, strong buggers to knock out the thoughts, the memories, the Headlines in the Papers about Dentists (today The Express.) Patients talking to me, ignoring me, The “how do the XXXX do you think I feel” feeling when I go to have my teeth done/ buy toothpaste etc…..

My cough

No job              no chance to recoup my divorce settlement                   no pride.any more

And maybe 2 people doing a mental high five ‘cos they they think they got away with it again……maybe????

Allegedly, are they Good, Lucky, or Practiced?

 

B: Or I get answers albeit seven 7 years too late. Altho’ I don’t hold my breath. How do they compensate a) for my losses, coincidentally the loss at sale alone estimated at the amount the UK gave Pakistan today. £100,000.00p Forget what I could have earnt as Dentist for another 16 years ( in1998 ) and the payment, so far, pcm of the Loan for the shortfall (Part of mortgage) to remind me for life. How much has it cost me already??. MOREOVER, THAT IS WITHOUT b) my PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIA with DELUSIONS And c) A damaged lung with reduced function for a shorter life span. So HOW do they sort this out???????????????????

 

 

C: Or ?????

 

And finally, they say I ASKED the Pension People to change the date in order that I may pay the Government £4,500 back immediately even tho’ I havent got it and they wouldn’t accept my offers to pay, Just so I could get a reduced pension for life. And I STIILL haven’t had even a reply from DR Williams. NOTHING and that seems to be ok too.

 

            Of course, all of this is just exactly as I see it, my life and my fair comment.

 

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2 Responses to “A document I have found dated 09/10/05 never sent”

  1. Deb Acle Says:

    MD- that’s what they do to ANYONE who has the good sense, the sanity, to question this wholesale callous psychopathy of THEIRS and then gets dreadfully depressed because they feel like no one is listening.

    But, please do know one thing, if nothing else: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. This sort of brush-off and catastrophic failure of compassion and lack of treatment is happening to thousands of us up and down the land. And they know it

    ‘Never believe that a few decent committed people cannot change society. Indeed, it’s the only thing that has ever done.’ (paraphrasing Margaret Mead).

  2. » A document I have found dated 09/10/05 never sent Says:

    […] themaddentist wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptTheseare  my thoughts that I put down into words 09/10/05   SO I AM A PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC with DELUSIONS am I, well that is sorta what they said.   On drugs I dont/cant complain Off drugs I complain like hell   Two completely different personalities even without the mega temper and cry-ie variations. Instantly swappable now as well but getting worse BECAUSE it’s been now seven f<deleted> years. So Schizophrenic?? Maybe? By implied insinuation.   Hmm So why do they ALL want me on medication??? HMM   I had a complete and sudden life change and away from home you have no triggers so life ok-ish with the promises‘n drugs’n stuff At home all the triggers re-appeared and re-surfaced with a vengeance and all with new mothers (Problems if ignored don’t go away they get worse, oh yes, and procreate NEW ones). The drugs don’t work when the triggers are there BUT alcohol AND drugs….ah ha a different matter. So I drank heavily … […] […]

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